I guess I've thought about starting a blog for a while. Maybe it was the need to share or write, or just the fact that I've heard good things about the therapy of it. Right now I know that's what I need: therapy. I'm starting my sophomore year at a very tiny school, we only have about 1,500 undergrads. Everyone knows everything about everyone. So in other words, when you screw up people will find out. I screwed up big time. I drank a lot my freshman year. It got to the point where my tolerance was so high that I could have up to 10 shots of hard liquor before I was drunk. Keeping that in mind I didn't drink at all over the summer. Coming back to school I went hard. I got super drunk the Saturday before school started and ended up in one of my guy friends beds. We ended up messing around but never having sex. He is one of my good friends and in the frat I see all the time. They are sweethearts and will always look after me. However, messing around with them is usually not a good idea. I don't regret that it happened but I don't want it to ever happen again.
The next weekend I went on to prove not only could I get worse but I could scare people a lot more than I ever had. I went to a different frat and got so drunk there that I blacked out. The only hint I gave myself of even what time I left there was a text to someone to let me into the frat that I'm close to, very illegibly written by the way. I ended up in the basement of that frat, passed out in the bathroom. I have no idea how I got there and when. A few of my friends found me and drug me to the sofa there where I woke back up and started getting sick (I don't remember and of this, this is what I was told). I was told they would take me to the rack room where everyone sleeps and apparently I started to freak out and sob. I told my best girl friend not to leave me alone or "it would happen again". I scared them in the fact that I was found passed out and the fact that I possibly had been taken advantage of. They finally got me to a bed after moments of getting sick and collapsing. They checked on me every 20 minutes for an hour after that. The next morning when I realized where I was I grabbed what stuff I had with me and just ran out of there without speaking to anyone. I was so ashamed that I had needed to stay there another weekend in a row. That was when I realized I was way worse than I originally thought.
I thought I could ignore it and the whole situation would just go away. However, the more I tried the more I found myself upset and in a bad mood. I finally snapped when I realized that one of the guys who found me had talked to their president about me and they would have to figure out a solution for me. I was so upset and hated myself so much that I looked around for something, anything, to hurt myself with. I saw the scissors on my desk and realized where I was going with my life then. I called my best girl friend to come over, told her everything and asked for help. She took everything that I could use to hurt myself with and told me she would help me however she could. I sought out counseling help immediately afterwards. I went and talked with some other people too, like one of the people who found me on that bathroom floor. She suggested that I just take a step back to evaluate what's going on in my life and figure out what I can do to help myself. She's right of course.
So now here I am trying out writing a blog. I'm going to stop drinking so much for a while to figure out myself and solve my problems without using alcohol to forget them. Seeing the counselor will help too, I've seen others before. I'm going to just work hard at school, do what I've already talked about above and work on maintaining the true friends I've found I have here that will help me through this. Here's hoping that this will help.
